weak.

i am exhausted of being peppy, smiley, and positive.

i have been sick for 7 weeks. yesterday + today = i have never taken so many drugs or done as much to my body "naturally" than i can remember. some of my blogs are positive about this, but i've gotta admit...sometimes i have to do that to try and talk myself into thinking positively. and normally it works, but tonight was just the last straw. and now that everyone is coming back to campus from home or from mission trips or from warm places, i get to explain that i spent the past 7 days on the couch taking antibiotics and other various drugs from family fare & rite aid. AND I'M STILL NOT 100% YET. that's what's killin' me! if i would've been sick the whole time and would have had this last day of break feeling great...that would've been fine! i can only remember one day when i felt 100% well, and that day was a while ago.

i graduate in like, 50 days. that would be great, you know, if i had a plan. but i am graduating (as of right now) without a job, without a place to live, and i have to find these things within 50 days so i can support myself. and this is terrifying. not to mention putting more pressure on me than i can handle at this second. under normal circumstances, it would be bad enough. but being sick and not getting better...that stresses me even more.

and all the while, i'm just crying out to God for help, and i feel like He can't hear me. i just feel so incredibly weak. i am weak physically; so much so that my arms are aching from just holding them up here to my desk. and i am weak emotionally because i spent the past day and half trying to figure out what to do after graduation (sorry, adam, for crying so much). and i am weak spiritually because i keep praying for healing and when one thing gets better, its like something else gets worse.

my humanity is so entirely palpable right at this second. and the idea that i am surrounded by these exact four walls and have to get up at 7am for work tomorrow makes my motivation and positive thinking at zero level. so, i guess this is my call for help.

i'm asking simply for prayer. i don't need extra company or intriguing conversation. i don't want to be exhausted by outtings.

i want to sleep. i want to rest. i want peace.

i am so thankful that this friday is Good Friday for two reasons. a four-day week is what i need (besides a 2-day week), and well, they don't call it "Good Friday" for nothing.