job search revelations.

consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. james 1:2

i'm sure james did a lot worse things than look for a job. i've sat here for three hours looking for a job and a place to live, and i feel utterly defeated. this search has been going on for weeks, and i feel neck-deep in one of these "trails of many kinds." whenever i am like that, i always feel like i need to spend a bit of time with God just talking and learning. adam & i agreed to start reading james together, so i thought i'd just start there. and here it was: consider it pure joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds. pure joy. PURE JOY. now, for me to do that should be simple since james did just that. and he faced many different and harsher trails than i am right now. in fact, he was killed because of his faith. his faith that gave him PURE JOY.

and i could nag and nag about how terrible the economy is and how difficult this entire process is, but i would be losing sight of faith. faith is believing in the unseen. and i can't see right now where i'm going to live or where i'm going to work in a month and a half. but i worship the Creator, and i believe that even though i can't see those things, He will provide. He will carry me.

weak.

i am exhausted of being peppy, smiley, and positive.

i have been sick for 7 weeks. yesterday + today = i have never taken so many drugs or done as much to my body "naturally" than i can remember. some of my blogs are positive about this, but i've gotta admit...sometimes i have to do that to try and talk myself into thinking positively. and normally it works, but tonight was just the last straw. and now that everyone is coming back to campus from home or from mission trips or from warm places, i get to explain that i spent the past 7 days on the couch taking antibiotics and other various drugs from family fare & rite aid. AND I'M STILL NOT 100% YET. that's what's killin' me! if i would've been sick the whole time and would have had this last day of break feeling great...that would've been fine! i can only remember one day when i felt 100% well, and that day was a while ago.

i graduate in like, 50 days. that would be great, you know, if i had a plan. but i am graduating (as of right now) without a job, without a place to live, and i have to find these things within 50 days so i can support myself. and this is terrifying. not to mention putting more pressure on me than i can handle at this second. under normal circumstances, it would be bad enough. but being sick and not getting better...that stresses me even more.

and all the while, i'm just crying out to God for help, and i feel like He can't hear me. i just feel so incredibly weak. i am weak physically; so much so that my arms are aching from just holding them up here to my desk. and i am weak emotionally because i spent the past day and half trying to figure out what to do after graduation (sorry, adam, for crying so much). and i am weak spiritually because i keep praying for healing and when one thing gets better, its like something else gets worse.

my humanity is so entirely palpable right at this second. and the idea that i am surrounded by these exact four walls and have to get up at 7am for work tomorrow makes my motivation and positive thinking at zero level. so, i guess this is my call for help.

i'm asking simply for prayer. i don't need extra company or intriguing conversation. i don't want to be exhausted by outtings.

i want to sleep. i want to rest. i want peace.

i am so thankful that this friday is Good Friday for two reasons. a four-day week is what i need (besides a 2-day week), and well, they don't call it "Good Friday" for nothing.

still.

i just designed myself a new blog.

as in, i created something in photoshop from scratch for a background and then proceeded to make a banner from scratch as well. i'm still deciding if i love it or not, but i think i do.

this is week 7 of being sick. it's getting ridiculous. i mean, it's been ridiculous the whole time, but i am exhausted from feeling sick and having to take naps every day and popping advil multiple times a day because i have a migraine and my teeth are throbbing. i'm not complaining, but i am admitting that i am weak and need lots of prayer. i don't understand why i'm still sick since i finished the antibiotics and take great care of my body. still, i know the body God created for me is wonderfully made. He is the ultimate Healer, and while i hate waiting for my body to heal, i know that God made my body to work and heal itself...even if its taking 7 weeks. it doesn't matter that i spent my whole spring break idle, i just really want to be healthy for my monday morning work shift. working at 8:30am is hard enough, but working when you're sick is AWFUL. if you're reading this, please pray!

i am off to clean-up the house a little bit. i came home again last night and watched the blindside with my parents and had a great fish and potato dinner. but somehow, every time i go home, my stuff ends up in about every room of the house, and that's no good!

i will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains i can't climb.

it's a day like today when this song will just have to get me through.

when i wrote my blog yesterday, i was still feelings the effects of my ibuprofen. but today, i wake up again with a throbbing face & teeth. i am constantly praying for healing.

Your beloved needs you now.

neurotic.

i am neurotic. i think everyone is when it comes to a certain thing. for me, i don't like to take medicine. i had a bad experience one time with a bad reaction, and i threw up. and anyone who knows me KNOWS i have a fear of doing that. i've had a sinus infection and bronchitis for the past 5 weeks and just praying that it'd go away on its own. it didn't. and yesterday, i found myself waltzing in the walk-in clinic with my mama. and i walked out with a prescription for the z-pak and lots of tears. needless to say, i researched the side effects and was PETRIFIED after reading all the terrible side effects. i took it (i had to). and i didn't experience anything besides my self-induced anxiety. i really think that more bad reviews are prevalent on the internet than good ones because why would someone who feels good from their prescription search on google for "z-pak side effects"? that'd be silly. they feel fine, so they'd go about their lives. but then when neurotic people like me research, the majority of what we find our bad reviews. needless to say, i'm still alive. and i think i'm getting better.

adam & i are getting pharabara in 15 minutes! her foster mama is dropping her off at adam's apartment (that we've completely decked out with toys, kitty litter box, food, and treats). i had better go. :)

happy spring break day 2!

crazy, baby.

i don't think there's anything worse in the world than knowing what you want to do with your life and being unable to do it. yesterday, adam & i had a pretty serious talk about my future (since i'm graduating and all in about 6 weeks. . .ahh!). i know what i want to do with my life; and for me to finally realize it, well, that's big. but what stops me is, of course: $$$. i know people say not to let money hinder you, but i have to smart. i can't spend every paycheck on this one item when i need to be putting away for bills and savings. so, i'm trusting in God's faithfulness right now. if He wants me to make this career choice, i am sure that He will provide a way for it to happen.

i always talk to God and do my best thinking when i'm driving. last night on my way home (for a dentist appointment i didn't attend and a doctor's appointment i can't schedule), i just blatantly told Him that if He wanted me to do this, then i would trust that He'd provide. already TODAY, i might be getting a photography internship. i found an affordable living arrangement (that is PERFECT and cheaper than what i'm paying now). and i've applied to a job that i desperately wouldn't mind having (seeing as i hate the 9-5 feel of jobs). oh, and i've been asked to start doing a student's senior pictures.

with this whole graduating thing, it's like i'm either extremely terrified or extremely giddy. i can't choose between because i've never experienced these emotions or this time of life. i am so thankful for my God, my love, and my family.

it's monday of spring break, and i'm woooorking! :) i was semi-depressed (okay, pity party central) in my last post, but God drew me completely out of my funk. i had a fantastic weekend with adam (doing laundry, taking pictures, watching movies); even when i didn't feel well, he took such excellent care of me. and now we both have our fingers crossed on getting our kitty. i think this week was EXACTLY what i needed. and for the record, if i have to do laundry with the love of my life every day of my spring break, it would definitely be a spring break worthy of a facebook album.

spring break eve.

my boss paul is about the funniest grown man, i know -- besides my daddy. we were talking today about how there are no dating books available for college students. there are PLENTY of dating books centered around young adults, teens, divorced adults, and the elderly (okay, maybe not so much on the last one). for adults and college students, we're left with books entitled before the ring, before you get engaged, how to build a win-win marriage, etc. since when does graduating college (or even being admitted into college) exempt you from having answers to questions on just dating? anyways, i jokingly said that i should write one. he encouraged me. then i thought about it. i could never write a book on dating. let's just be honest here: my college career is marked with heartbreak, a few random make-outs, and shameless flirting trying desperately (in all the wrong ways) to find a godly man...all until i stumbled upon the man who could actually handle me. i have tons of advice to give (that i should've listened to myself), but i don't have the actual experience that makes writing a book like that plausible, or even feasible. i don't think i'm the best authoritative candidate for that presupposed book.

tonight is one of those shameless nights i'm having where i'm sad for no apparent reason. every now & then, these nights sneak up on me, but tonight it's hitting hard. i think it's because no one is home, and i've had no plans tonight so i'm just kind of existing. i've been saying for the past two hours that i should just go to bed, but i just can't drag myself to do it. i think i don't just want to go to bed because tomorrow marks the beginning of my spring break, and nothing eventful is happening -- which is what i need (i am desperate for REST), but not exactly the spring break that will be worthy of a facebook album.

my friend asked me if i had written anything lately. i told him "no." i used to share a lot of different poetry and songs with this friend, and i found that my poetic genius literally gushed from me whenever i was sad. i guess i should be grateful not to have written anything of those sorts lately (a.k.a. i am happy), but i do miss it a smidge.

okay, happy news: adam is probably getting phara on friday or saturday! i am so excited for a cat that i can hardly stand it. i love dogs, but cats are by far my favorite. andrea came up with "pharie" as alternative name, and it sticks...for me, at least. i cannot wait to spoil this baby girl from the humane society!! :D

okay, time to pray myself out of this funk.

i have been listening to the Devil's lies for too many hours today!

kitty-cat.

so, you'd think i'd put my writing energy directly into microsoft office for my jane austen paper, but noooope! i am blogging. blogging at work. because, did i mention, i took on an extra 5.5 hours this week of non-sensical work? yes.

my cold/illness/sinus infection/bronchitis is on its last leg ~ hallelujah! i went home last night (phenomenal, by the way), and i went to sleep at 9:30pm and woke up at 8:45am. i am so excited that spring break is only 50.5 hours away, and i can sleep like that ALL-THE-TIME.

i have nothing in particular to blog about, but i am happy. happy.happy.happy. ADAM AND I ARE GETTING A CAT! a cute, cuddly, long-haired calico. i couldn't be more excited! she is going to be such a princess!

okay.

must write paper.

"I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."
~ john 14:27

community.

no more swearing by honey + freshed squeezed lemon juice.
i am swearing only on God's healing.



this past week has just been bad - in different aspects.
sick for the 4th week + every woman's monthly demise + anxiety = a week where i can't do it alone.

and i couldn't. if there was ever a time when i realized humans were meant to be in community with others, it was this week.

adam is a saint. at least, he should be deemed one. he went out and got me vicks at 10pm one night, makes sure i have a good stock of healthy lemons, and holds my hand when i'm quite literally falling apart...snot, tears, and all. andrea is one of those people who can get along with anyone because she is care-free and doesn't let a lot get to her. i let a lot get to me in general, so when she came over yesterday, her friendship healed me. she makes me laughs and reinforces my own thoughts. and we played wii for an hour and a half. how much more care- and worry-free can you get?




anyways, i have seriously been begging God for healing; and i am in awe of how he makes our bodies & how they work to heal automatically. psalm 139:14










today's rain was b-e-a-u-tiful. it even smelled like spring.
this week has been terrible, but God has blessed me so much in other ways that I find there's not much for me to legitimately complain about it. but, hey, prayer is still appreciated!

i am for real swearing by honey + fresh squeezed lemons + hot water for relieving night-time coughing. HOLY COW it worked.




i love these early morning; i woke up at 7:15am, and it was fabulous.
it is such a beautiful day ~ i can FEEL the productivity building up inside me. . . :)

honey lemon tea + cinnamon granola = divine

thursday + friday + saturday + sunday = making up for my mortifying monday, tuesday, and wednesday.

they completely did. i'm not nauseated thinking about the beginning of the week anymore, so i believe that's a great sign.

mango chicken is my new favorite dish. my good friend ashley and i friend up some chicken with garlic and threw in some fresh mango ~ YUMMO. i've always thrown in lots of veggies when making dinner, but i just bought a fresh pineapple and am thinking about throwing that in for my next meal.

this whole bronchitis-like cough and being sick for the past month is getting really old. i'm drinking honey lemon tea (fresh lemon!), and it's soothing, but i'm actually scared to go to bed at night because i hate waking up coughing during the middle of the night.

i think my nephew is the sweetest because i was looking at his candy, and i said that peanut butter was my favorite, so he gave me his reese's egg. i love him.

my boyfriend is pretty sweet too, i suppose. :) maybe these spring flowers make me wanna say that. but most of the time, i just want to shout how happy he makes me and how i'm so glad he's my best friend!

adam & i went to saugatuck on saturday and walked around in the sunshine and window-shopped. I LOVE THIS 45 DEGREE (10 day forecast showed 55 on tuesday! ohmygosh!) WEATHER AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE BEING IN SAUGATUCK WITH MY SWEETHEART.

this blog was way too random.

maybe because i tried to write it over many days and just saved the drafts.

on our way home the other day, adam & i were listening to rascal flatts, and there's one part in "why" where i always get goosebumps & want to cry & tell people about my Jesus:

who told you life wasn't worth the fight? THEY WERE WRONG. THEY LIED.

as far as depression and suicide and sadness goes, i've been there. i know people who meet me on an acquaintance level have no idea the demons that held me captive for years. and i know how dark and absolutely suffocating and encapturing it is. and i really think that if someone had told me it wasn't worth the fight, i would not be here. instead, Jesus' love was literally poured out on me in so many different forms over the past few years: friends, mentors, experiences, moments, breaths. you can't escape His love. it.is.everywhere. and it changes you ~ even if you don't think it is.

it has not been a good week thus far.

i can't even describe it.

i'm thinking of skipping some class come thursday afternoon for an early weekend to get outta here.

but right now i'm going to go sit in front of my space heater in order to thaw my body from the cold of my house.