mother.

i rented a cd from the library yesterday. just some piano music that i could listen to in the evening when my work is done and i'm reading.

and i sit with my tension taming tea, i'm surprised to suddenly be surrounded by forest green carpet and a fluffy, flowering bedspread. a lamp with beautiful fringes that are silky to touch. stuffed bears worn from cuddle & play. a cherry end-table with an old portable cd player plugged into a modern bose stereo. it still works. transporting me as the listener to a garden close to home with only a single, familiar tune.

its the song that lulled me to sleep when i lied ill in my parent's bed. the song that filled the air if i needed to talk before the heading to my own bed. the song would play, and i'd sit on top of the cold comforter while my mother stood flossing her teeth in the sea blue bathroom.

the song that reminds me of my mother and how her silk nightgowns were always so smooth to the touch when she would bend down to hug me goodnight.

she would always play her kevin kern cd at night when it was time to wind down and breathe after an exhausting day. and it always worked. i always felt relaxed when i heard the lullaby gently rocking me to sleep.

but maybe its not the piano that relaxed me after all.

maybe it was my mother. maybe it was because she was there, and she knew just what to say to make me step back and breathe. because her squeezing my hand released all anxiety and fear. because her arms were safe, no matter what else the world had waiting.

so tonight as i listen to my renewable cd with my tea and novel, and as i play the garden song on repeat: i think of you, mama.

i miss you.

i love you.

home.

nothing beats home.

nothing beats walking out of schu's with a bag of food & finding a bench to sit on since all the swings are full.

and nothing beats walking out of kilwin's with a waffle cone & strolling along the sidewalk underneath an umbrella of trees on the bluff.

and nothing beats walking barefoot on the silver beach sand & climbing up onto the edge of the pier to walk toward the falling sun.

nothing...nothing beats home.

~~~

although my job search hasn't been going so well, mine & adam's church search has ended! last week, adam & i tried out a church i discovered online. i found two people that i had gone to school with there; so andrea, adam & i piled in the car last week for a bomb-diggity father's day message.

adam sent the pastor a message just introducing himself and what he was into (i.e. drumming and music ministry). pastor wanted to meet with him asap! i guess they have all been praying for the past few weeks that more members who were involved in music, specifically drumming, to join the church. and POP! here we were. we went today and were introduced to the music director and her husband. i'm very excited to see where all this leads; we're both very comfortable here and are interested in serving our community and God better.

its semi-depressing to not have a job yet. i've been out of school for 7 weeks now, i think. i prayed for one for over a month, and now i'm just upset about it. its like a half-hearted, "hey, God, can you send me a job?" sorta thing. He sent me a direction to a church...but i'm desperate for an income so i can stop feeling like i'm failing at this whole "adult" thing. maybe that's why He hasn't sent me a job yet...i'm supposed to fix how i'm feeling -- focus on how He made me -- and then the job will fall into place.

shin splints have taken over my legs. i ran hard for the past four days, and then after walking through sand and on hard concrete last night, i woke up very achy today. so i'm taking a break from running for a few days. today adam & i watched disney classics and cuddled with the princess kitty and tomorrow i need to buy new running shoes. did you know you're supposed to buy new shoes after walking/running 350-500 miles?

my laptop battery is almost dead.

and so is my body battery.

goodnight. :)

full, orange moon.

the moon is orange tonight. orange & full. and i too am full. summer is in full bloom...as are my flowers. dinners consist of fresh romaine lettuce and succulent chicken and is topped off with homemade ice-cream sandwiches and fresh trail mix. and the weather. my lanta. it's either a thunderstorm that inspires awe (did you know that a lightning bolt is only the size of a quarter?) or summer sun that gives you a perfect golden tan.

to fill in a bit of background that's become just a fuzzy backdrop noise these past few months...as i gradually went from year to year in college, my living situation gradually became worse & worse. each year i remained optimistic, but man, college did me in. when senior year hit, my anxiety came back. and i wasn't ready for it. when i graduated, it wasn't any worse; but it much wasn't better either.

in an effort to relieve my anxious state, i've begun eating healthier and working out daily, taking more time for spiritual reflection and overall self-healing. and what's so ironic is that my roommate junior year was vegan, and she ate everything organic and worked out all the time. part of the reason we never really worked was because we never ate the same thing. we didn't even eat at the same time. and to be honest, i was critical of her lifestyle. and maybe she did it because of a poor body image or just because she wanted to, but i've realized that her diet will add years, healthy years, to her life. and after reading lots of articles and a few books, i've realized just how much your physical health is linked with your mental health.

now, i'm not becoming vegan, but i've switched to mainly organic food. and my diet includes lots of different proteins and foods with natural sugar and without refined flours/sugars & high fructose corn syrup. i looked at my yoplait yogurt the other day, and even that had high fructose corn syrup :: yikes! eating healthier, combined with running + yoga for 30 minutes a day combined with my vitamins...i am feeling gooooood tonight! :)

and then i threw ALL that knowledge out the window tonight when adam & i were sitting on the couch. we were just watching TV. it was still kind of light out, so i hopped off the couch, grabbed my wallet, and dragged him to the car for a quick trip to dairy queen for vanilla cones & onion rings; and these rings were just dripping in high fructose corn syrup. you know what? i savored every bite.

adam & i have been doing lots of spontaneous things lately. one of my favorite trips began like all good things do: when you least expect them. it had begun to rain on our way to the beach and we were arguing about something nonsensical that began with something i had complained about earlier that day. even as we sat in the car at the beach waiting for the last few sprinkles to stop, we argued. in the sand, i walked at least 10 strides ahead of him. it took listening to two highschoolers' silly water-logged argument that finally brought some smiles to our faces and giggles that couldn't be kept in any longer. we can never argue longer than a few hours, and once its over, its over. laughing, cuddling, silly jokes & eskimo kisses usually ensue. and that is us. arguing one minute & kissing the next.

we spent the evening reading on the sand and dipping our toes into warm lakeside water. we watched the sun sink below the clouds. he held me up in his arms and we twirled in front of the dwindling beach crowd. and after drinking our coffee & tea that we last-minute decided to make and put into travel mugs, we toted our sandy sheet, books, and empty mugs back to the car.

and so ends another summer night. there's much more to talk about: my new church, adam's involvement at said church, my unemployment, God's deliverance, my human flaws, but i guess that's going to have to be all since my eyelids are sagging and my typing speed is slowing dwindling below the 50s now.

If you want to know the nature of love, look at a person when they have nothing left to give. And if they keep giving beyond that point- that is love. To give when you don't have to, to love when you can't love, to reach out when your hands are so weary that you can't even lift them.

We are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.
Romans 8:38

to be completely honest.

some nights you just have to cry. last night...was one of those nights. i had been feeling off all day alternating between hot flashes and weird dizzy spells. i rescheduled a date with a girlfriend for next week, so i had the whole day to think about lots of stuff. and that night, a lot of it just came crashing down.

i felt like a failure. i cannot find a job that fits me well. i listen to relatives constantly ask about my employment search, and i feel like its a backwards way to say, "you aren't trying hard enough. you're failing." i come from a family where hard-work is the only way to go; and if people scoot by on given money, that's looked down upon. so, i don't ask for help. and i'm making it for right now...but still, every time this topic is brought up, i feel badly. maybe that's why i keep so busy with projects and baking and reading ~ i'd hate to be caught relaxing for even a second because then people will think i'm lazy. and laziness, i've been taught, is just not acceptable.

and then, to top everything off, i went to read my Bible last night before bed to gain some perspective on things...and i couldn't find anything to help. i know, i know. we aren't supposed to worship to get something, but i was really searching for something to help soothe whatever it was the day made me feel like. and here i was. after 15 years of Biblical education, i couldn't find anything. and that made me feel like i failure. like the one thing i should have a handle on after all these years, i just...didn't.

and perhaps now, i can see, that even though i may be Biblically educated and in possession of a college degree, i am still just human. just a sinner. just a loser with a God who's in the business of grace. and grace is the most comforting gift imaginable. i wish more people would extend grace.

i am feeling better today. a little more hopeful. and a little less pathetic.

and guess what? the sun is still shining today. and i get to watch the golden sun rays slowly fade across the pond in my back yard. :)

as much as i ever could.

I had this whole schpeel typed out about how receiving zero income isn't the worst part about being unemployed -- people's judgment is the worst part. People don't know how early I wake up or how many days I don't go to the pool. And the surely don't know that my library card gets more use than my TV remote. BUT, I'm trying not to let other's opinions rule my heart. I spent way too long last year trying to please others, and it exhausted me & made me anxious & was overall useless. I am trying my best to obtain a job that fits me; sending 10 resumes out twice a week will have to pay off sometime.

I've been reading a lot of history about the time of Jesus. Mainly the political history of the times and how His lifestyle of near poverty has turned into "giving soup cans to the poor" today instead of giving the clothes off our back, the food off our table, and time off of our busy schedules. I think what's helped me the most during this stage of unemployment after college is that Jesus focused on praying for daily bread instead of bread for a whole year. He preached faith in God the Father for providing daily necessities instead of receiving fortunes to hoard. I was studying a verse that talked about having too many riches; if we have too much, we begin to say "Who is the Lord?" We forget who provided in the first place. When we only receive daily provisions, we are constantly seeking Christ, constantly having faith in His providing us our needs.

I wish there was more to blog about. I've felt completely bombarded with things to do lately, that my brain has turned to muck. I have no more projects to complete anymore, well, at least none that I can currently afford. I bought a used sewing machine that I'm in love with, and I'd love to sew a quilt for my couch. If you'd like to donate fabric to the cause -- ha! -- please comment & we'll work something out.

I've seen a dozen different people my age get married recently (thank you, Facebook, for allowing me to see pictures). What do you guys think about people my age getting married? Sometimes, I feel like 22 is really young and other times, I feel its older. All of my siblings got married either at my age or younger, and their marriages have not failed. As Christians, we are called to a higher standard for dating: no sex, no living together, putting Christ first. The average age that people get married now is 27 (and the divorce right an even 50/50; but talking about divorce, I believe that rate is so high because people get married nowadays thinking that they've found "the one" and things will magically fall into place. When in reality, marriage isn't so much about finding the right person as it is about making the commitment: recognizing that marriage is a commitment to make this exact person the right person for you by daily making that relationship work.). But the average person also sleeps with their significant other, lives with them, and does a multitude of other things that we as Christians are called not to do. We are not to be average, but followers of God. Therefore, is it really that strange to see a dozen of my friends from school getting married so young? And furthermore, shouldn't we support them in their decision to have godly relationships and aspire to be in God's blessings? Just food for thought; comments are appreciated.

I was looking at pictures from last summer, and I did SO MUCH MORE last summer (already! by this date last year) than this summer! I have been consumed with finding a job and busying myself as to not appear lazy, that I've forgotten to enjoy the day that lies before me. And so today: I will call my Grandma, mend the straps on a few of my tops, do laundry, start reading another book, and perhaps bake some pumpkin/chocolate chip bread. And did you know that as soon as I started typing those sentences, the sun peeked out from underneath the clouds for a moment? Ahh, sunshine. I've missed you.

rain.

a storm is rolling in right outside my window, but i like where i'm at right here: protected from its harsh winds & torrents of rain. there's nothing more exhausting than getting caught in the middle of a downpour. you keep running & running for somewhere, ANYWHERE that will provide some shelter. a place that will let you breathe in a peace that reassures your entire being.

of course, this storm could be physical or relational or emotional. i've had my fair share of all of them this past week. my legs are tired.

as i sat with some relatives at my grandparent's 65th anniversary party, we discussed how life presents us with polar opposites, stark differences in just about every daily event. you're either working 50 hours a week or none at all. if you're having a good day, it's a really good day. but on the other hand, if it's bad...it's really bad.

life is full of extremes. heaven or hell. happy or sad. rich, poor. overworked, underworked. where is the balance? can one extreme exist without the other?

wow. WOW. okay, too deep right now. i'm freaking myself out over here. i just finished memory keeper's daughter yesterday, and it was this terribly sad story about a father whose wife gave birth to twins: a boy & a girl. the girl, he saw, had down syndrome. in an effort to spare his family from her early death (this was the 1960s) or other negative effects, he sent her away to an institution with a nurse and told his wife the baby girl died. the nurse decided to keep the baby instead. this whole story was based around that father's one decision. complete domino effect. because of that single decision, every other moment of his life (and his family's) was sculpted by consequences. i do recommend the book only because of this sweet little girl who had down syndrome and the effect she had on people. so, yes, complex stuff.

something light, something light...yes. i gardened today for about 3 hours while adam finished my flower trough ~ yes, its finished! its finished! it is beautiful. it's adam's first project from complete scrap...as in he bought the wood, screws, glue, clamps, what-have-you. drilled -- lots. and voila, a beautiful cedar box for my flowers. he is very proud, and he should be. :) i am planting all my flowers tomorrow after the sweet summer yellow paint dries. pictures will follow quite soon.

i'm sure there's lots more that i can share, but my bed is calling for me. i've spoken so many words in the past 24 hours ~ sweet words, monotonous words, words dipped with bitterness, and other words stinging with anger.

if there's anything that God's been showing me, its that new beginnings are sunbeams. they shine through the clouds, strike mountains and reach to the valleys. and even if they're found amidst a downpour, they create rainbows. and rainbows shout God's promises of faithfulness. of grace.