fail.

this week has been full of failure. i've seriously failed in every sense of the word: i forgot to pick up my nephew for school one morning. my fish died. i received a poor grade on an assignment which he assured i'd do fine on. i spent a lot of money. i didn't finish my a.m. yoga. and that's completely human, i understand. failing is a part of life, part of who we are. giving up is also human ~ one of our many shortcomings from the Fall. but picking yourself up and still praising Him. . .that's not human. that comes entirely from Christ.

let us begin this day with singing. whether we feel like it or no, let us make glad sounds and force our tongues to articulate words of thanksgiving and praise. the facts are: God is with us; this world and we who live in it are His; He loves us; He has adopted us as His children; we belong to Him. this makes us valid, worthwhile. we are truly significant in the eyes of our God despite our human feelings or the comments of our critics.

- psalms 95 psalms/now, leslie f. brandt

so, today is a day of renewal.

new fish were bought and put in the tank. i'm working ahead on homework so as not to work last minute on sunday. i am doing laundry -- a metaphor for cleansing myself of this week. and as i submit my bi-weekly timecard, i will strive to budget myself more (a.k.a. not go out to eat or buy tea/coffee so much!).

happy note: larry (mr. petco) said my fish is preggo! ahhh!

addiction.

i have an addiction.

it's called:

AMAZON.COM

whenever i have more than $100 in my bank account that doesn't need to go to rent or bills, i always head to amazon.com. it's my favorite online shopping center (heck, it's my favorite shopping center, period). i read books. lots of books. self-help books, inspirational books, fiction books, comic books, you get the picture. amazon is a huge pond; and in this pond are MILLIONS of book-fish, and i just cannot stop myself for dropping in a hook.

books are one thing: you can always excuse away a purchase of a book. but am/pm beginning yoga?? yeah, that one's a little tougher. i really do want it to get all stretched out and flexible before i start running once the weather is nicer. i am all about herbal and non-medicinal ways to stay healthy. here we go.

and breathe.....HUMMMMM. oops. that's meditation. do yoga-ers make sounds too?

papers.

i blog too much; this is evident by my lack of ability in writing academic papers. seriously, i sit down to write an essay on pride & prejudice, and i want to break out in "so," "completely," "i." and this is my afternoon: forcing myself to put away words of conversation and spew out words of reason and academia. oh boy.

this weekend was probably one of the best i've had in a very long time. i'm finally getting better ~ i've been sick for almost two weeks, and i'm so thankful that all that's left behind is a small cough, a bit of congestion, and a canker-sore (don't even ask how that last one fits in there~ i don't even know). adam & i went out and did things we've been trying to do for ages; i crafted with three fine girls for an evening; and now today my parents are coming up for lunch.

4 more weeks 'til spring break; not like i'm really counting or anything, but school this year just wasn't what i had anticipated. i think it's because i thought i'd have everything ready for after-graduation, and i just don't. seriously; nothing is ready. and that makes graduation scary.

i have two papers to turn in tomorrow, and i haven't done much on either of them.

it's gonna be a good week: it's gonna be a good week: it's gonna be a good week.

my nails are painted honeymoon red. i like it.

blow, blow.

tissues scattered all on the floor. advil container almost empty. empty mugs with old tea bags. an unmade bed. a beautiful bouquet of deep red roses.

this is the scene that i've been living in for the past few days. this exhaustion turned into an awful cold that has my throat aching, my head pounding, my ears ringing, and my vision fuzzy. i.hate.being.sick.

last valentine's day, i was sick too. i think it's a curse; something i'll be destined to deal with for all my years. you know, at least my boyfriend is all right with that. as i type, he is on his way over here with things to make me better. even if my body is aching, my heart is full.

valentine's weekend was not the weekend i expected. not in one aspect. but i got to spend the past few days with the one i want to spend forever with. and it's not even the fact that he got me a new laptop (since my old one is basically dead), or that he brought me a beautiful bouquet of roses, or that he will play with my hair while i fall asleep on his lap watching toy story. i've always said it, and i stand by it: he is the wings that keep my heart in the clouds.

i sold my iPhone on eBay for $260. i was really, really excited at first. but then, well, let's see, it's been about 4 days, and i still haven't received payment yet. i'm contemplating reposting it...especially since i know i can get that much for it again.

i am spending the day in bed; i am SO INCREDIBLY THANKFUL that it is winter break right now. seriously, i don't know what i'd do if i had class & work today. OH, i also found a church for adam & i to check it. we've been searching for the past few months, and i really think we found one. but, i guess we'll just have to see next saturday!

i am off to shower & decongest. chyea.

p.s. my babies gave both adam & i lots of kisses yesterday. made my heart melt!

post office.

for being sick, i feel like i did too much in the past hour. the first of all activities (including shopping sales for more tampons and picking up valentine wrapping material as well as a caesar salad in a box) was going to the post office to drop off a package. in theory, post offices are nice. they give me mail, packages, and a lot of people are happy.

however, whenever i enter to post office to mail something, i'm always bundled up in 15 different layers because it's so cold out. but you get inside...and oh dear, there's a long line and only one person working! so, i stand in line. and i stand. and i stand some more. then i start sweating because i'm so warm. remember, i'm already dizzy from feeling sick, so then i just start to get anxious. ahhh, still three people in front of me. i have to mail this package. self-talk, brennigan. self-talk. two more people. i have to take off my scarf and unbutton my coat. one more person. dry mouth. oh dear. i can make it. i can make it.

"next, please."

THANK YOU, JESUS.
package successfully delivered. and as soon as i get out into the fresh air: relief.

and for my troubles? two GREAT parking spots at both meijer and at work.
happy girl. :)

joy.

i knew it would happen eventually. i haven't been home here for more than an hour for over 6 days, and my body is sick from exhaustion. thank God for this being such a slow day! i am resigning myself to my bed for the entire day. :)

i am so thankful it didn't snow more; it's been a very pretty snow lately; big flakes and not too much wind, but i am thankful i don't have to scrape my car off today ~ such great little things like that!

so much bad stuff has been happening lately, but i am choosing joy. i've gotta gotta gotta choose joy. mom & dad taught and modeled that for 20 years, and i have a man by my side who is constantly choosing joy as well ~ i knew it'd rub off on me sooner or later.

by the way, andrea & i made the fabulous "superbowl" last night. mashed potatoes+cream of mushroom soup+green beans, broccoli, corn, and mushrooms = fabulous. at first, andrea was like, "this is like the KFC superbowl." aaron retorted: "um, there's nothing on the menu at KFC called the superbowl." and now we have named our dish the superbowl. mmm.

2 days till valentine's weekend! i asked adam if we could turn the holiday into a weekend celebration so i could give him a present everyday instead of all at one time (it's always more fun with the waiting game and everything). and i planned out a few events, and i'm so excited! valentine's day was fun when i didn't have him ~ my friends & i made it fun; but geez, adam is like the cherry on top.

...and it's almost winter break ~ starting tomorrow at noon! :) hooooraaay!

monday.

of all things, i believe that finding that one song that describes how you feel at a certain moment can make your day. i don't have a song that describes how i feel at this moment (i could write one with some funky lyrics about wishing i could marry my pillow so i could be with it all the time, but i digress), but andrea & i did have a nice chat about that on the way to holland yesterday.

WHAT A WEEK. WHAT A WEEKEND.

i am so thankful that the sun is shining today. i firmly believe that God romances me in ways that make me love & admire Him more. whenever things aren't going the best, He knows i need sunshine to keep me going, and my lanta, it is beautiful. the whole ordeal really is: a God without boundaries or limitations loving me in specific ways that are evident to me and mean something to me.

my mom & grandma are the funniest ladies i know. even more so than my friends. they are both so laugh out loud funny. and an entire weekend with them? i can't imagine anything sweeter. i mean, who could imagine the kindest british lady chasing a german shepherd off her property and breaking a broomstick while doing so!?

i always thought i wanted to work with To Write Love on Her Arms. i always wanted to be able to take an active role in helping these people who ache without much empathy from others. and i think the biggest reason why i wanted to was because i myself have battled what so many of them have. i have emotionally ached, physically hurt, and been mentally exhausted..and no one understood. but as time has passed, i realized that i'm just not strong enough to help as actively in that way: and i don't believe i'm weak for admitting that. but i have known from experience that being around depression and such negativity makes me fall back into who i was. it's like making a previous alcoholic work as a bartender. it just isn't the smartest choice. so, i've chosen to help organizations through monetary ways, by providing specific input to people who are actively encountering these people, or by admitting that although this will be something we will continually face, it does not have to be negative. and maybe one day i will work more with it...one day.

and this whole realization about myself and who i need to be around and what i want to do led me to this realization: i would LOVE to be a foster mom for rescued animals and volunteer my gifts to helping organizations such as these. ha, i called my dad one day and had to leave him a message about all of this and how i completely changed part of my career goals: he didn't call back. ha. and i can tell that this is something i want because i've already actively pursued it. you know how you think you want to do something, and it sounds like a good idea, but you just never get around to it? yeah, me too. but, NOT SO with this. i've already e-mailed a few places inquiring about their euthanasia policies and volunteer opportunities, and all the apartments i'm checking out are pet-friendly. so while i live in the house i do (and cannot exercise these desires fully), i may be applying for a second job at petco! wouldn't it be nice to use the discount i would be on merchandise to help those babies!

i have no good line to end this blog. i was going to say a joke, but i could only think of the mario brother's joke, and that has to be said verbally to understood, so...

manic monday? i think not!

this past weekend had God written ALL over it. i'll give you the short play-by-play so as not to bore you (although if you're reading this blog, there's a good chance you're procrastinating on something, and since you're my friend, i only want to help aid you in that cause).

adam & i made a breakfast date for friday. yes, ladies & gents, you heard me right. i was out of bed by 9AM and ready to go by 10AM! shocker, i know! we celebrated our year & a half anniversary this weekend, so on friday afternoon, we spent a good hour and a half in petco picking out my present: a new ten gallon tank complete with house, live plants, and 4 baby fishes that are my pride & joy. (i know...they're fish. but i've been an animal lover since i was young, and if my cat's not here, i sure as heck am gonna soak up these beautiful animals.) we set up the tank and got it all ready, and he left for work. after he got out, we doubled to go see The Book of Eli. overall, the movie was interesting; it had good parts and bad parts. as far as spiritual content goes, just talk to me personally. i swear, i'll be civil.

saturday was adam's show in detroit. excluding a very depressing aspect, the whole night was awesome! the band did great, and adam had a whole group of girls waiting outside the backstage door to see him, touch him, hug him, whatever. it was great! he didn't act like it, but i knew he really did enjoy his time in the spotlight. i'm just glad i was the one who got to drive him home! :)

on sunday, i brought home 4 babies. yes, i am a mother... of a diamond tetra (lover), a schelop molly (julius caesar), a dalmation molly (domino), and a mickey mouse platy (walter). everything was great, really. for a few hours. i try to go to sleep last night, and the heater clicks every time it turns on. and not just one click. no, no. click, click, click. like a dripping faucet. i call adam at 2 in the morning, and i'm freaking out because i can't sleep, but if i turn off the heater, they'll die! and THEN- horror of horrors, i find a crack in the tank. yes. you read that correctly. anyways, i made it through the night (so did the babies), and we can get a new tank tomorrow. and the heater is no longer clicking (after fully submerged).

it's weekends though, similar to the ones i just had, when i feel my family's love and adam's love so much that it consumes me. family is supposed to love you, and i think we take that for granted sometimes. i love my parents wholly. and they are beautiful examples of love and selfishness. adam too loves me like Christ loves the church. selflessly. and i'm reminded of how much more i need to love...and not only love, but love directly and with purpose.

BIG NEWS: i have an apartment for next year. okay, it's not 100% (95% actually), but i'm going to see it, and it's affordable...and the best part? it's overlooking 8th street and is IN my town! i am close to andrea and close to adam and close to family! i've been worried about this since last october; and i heard God...i heard Him...tell me just to give this over to Him, and He will provide. i am giddy with joy!

also, i applied to an internship a few weeks ago at an entertainment magazine located about 20 minutes away. i didn't hear back from them, so i followed up with them on thursday -- friday morning: an e-mail from them asking when i could come for an interview! :D when i imagine my working life, i envision this very chill environment. i mean, most of my income will no doubt come from freelance writing & photography. i am not worried: i am ecstatic! God is providing all of these beautiful opportunities for me,...and to top off all that news, it was sunny on friday, saturday, AND sunday!

it was back to the grind today. i am exhausted after being up with the babies for most of the night, but i am grateful that monday is almost over (mondays are just always the hardest...sometimes you need a weekend FOR your weekend). tomorrow, adam & i are attempting switching tanks because of the crack. geez oh pete's. i can only imagine how that will go! :)