last class.

i just walked out of my last class ever.

and as i've been reflecting over the past four years for my senior portfolio, it all just hit me: i couldn't have done it without Him. HE held me. HE gave me His strength. HE healed me and pushed me and helped me to succeed.

to God be all the glory.

ALL the glory.

weekend.

weekend:

food, shopping, jogging with andrea.

baking brownies with my nephews.

family dinner with dan, matty, & adam.

3 for $20 movie deals at blockbuster

playing with phara-beara as much as i can.

glorious weekend.

and to top it off:

i completed 5 pages-ish of my 12 page paper due in 2 weeks. i am determined to work hard now & not have ANYTHING due or anything to take during exam week.

even though it'll be a crazy week filled with my last anchor issue, a huge senior portfolio to make, a research paper to finish, and a presentation to give, i am so thankful it is going to be a beautiful monday.

t-minus 13 days 'til graduation!

oh, how He loves us.

wearing thin.

april 20, 2010, 4:45PM.

i can feel it.
stretching myself way too thin over too many activities, meetings, projects.


i am wearing thin, and this headache is a constant reminder.


i graduate in 20 days, and i have yet to officially sign the lease for my apartment, locate furniture for said apartment, find a job to pay the rent of the apartment, oh, and finish my senior portfolio & write a nice little (ha!) research paper. oh, did i mention i have to go to the dentist again now to get more sealant for my teeth?



a lot of change is right there on the horizon, and i'd be foolish if i didn't admit that so many other changes has already taken place over the course of the year. but as i listened to a chaplain i work with speak with a student who was facing a lot of stress from those who didn't understand the busyness of it all - jobs, impending marriages, commitments, friendships, and her list went on & on - i realized: this is life.

this is life.

the ups & downs, the dentist appointments, the scraping by sometimes when you have to pay rent,

april 23, 2010, 10:10PM

well, hot dang, i am amazing at predicting.

and i quote: "i can feel it. stretching myself way too thin over too many activities, meetings, projects."

that night, i completely lost it. (and poor adam. he gets the brunt of whatever spills out of my heart; anything i've kept in, anything that's hurt me, he listens and loves, and he is superman for it).

it started out as a conversation.

turned argument.

turned flat-out anger. that i literally felt was about to explode.

turned to sobs. that i knew were coming on as soon as i hit the pillow.

turned complete and utter silence.

defeat.

all that i kept in these past few weeks - masked by trying to stay positive, energetic, on-top of it all - leaked into any and every crevice of my heart until the walls exploded.

i felt like a complete failure.

everything i had said that would get better, didn't. in fact, a lot of aspects of life got worse for reasons i don't even know.

but i know this: that God is faithful even through storms; that faith -- true "walking-on-water" faith, "believing-in-something-bigger-than-yourself" faith -- in Him will give you sanity to get through life...no matter how unfair, crazy, or absolutely beautiful, life is.

as soon as i realized all of the above:

i got approved for my apartment.

i got a letter from my potential employer saying that they were forwarding my application to the hiring committee.

and i've experienced more & more selfless love from those who mean the most to me.

maybe.

if i could live the past 5 days over & over again, i totally would. of course that wouldn't be possible...not even close, but it's what i've been thinking about all day.

~maybe it's because i've been so great with my work-out routine lately.
~maybe it's because adam, my mom, & i took my nephews to crazy bounce, and it was a blast.
~maybe it's because i might be getting a job for this whole next year.
~maybe it's because i might have found a place to live.
~maybe it's because i have a boyfriend who will wash my dishes and forgive me 70 x 7 times.
~maybe it's because my best friend & i got to catch up for the first time in 2 weeks.
~maybe it's because it has been gorgeous out all week.
~maybe it's because i got new fish, & i luuuurrve them.
~maybe it's because i had a coffee date with my good friend, ashley, and we talked her wedding details.
~maybe it's because i'm wearing my $15 dolla (holla!) sundress.
~maybe it's because my God is one of consistent love & unending grace; and no matter what kind of week i am having, He is ever-present.



gaaaah, an hour & 15 minutes left of work; i'm DYING to go out into this sunshine again. but for now, i shall continue to be obsessed with youtube videos of mitchell davis.

dad, if you're reading this, you won't the music played at the end. just thought i'd warn ya. ;)



so, this mitchell davis kid is pretty hilarious in that random sort of way; and maybe i find this video so hilarious because the first type of my music is normally my sort of dance-club song, but did i ever mention that i'm dating a drummer? therefore, he listens to the type of music at the end of this video. see? this video is a great combination of us both...in a very comical way. i guess. this whole entire description just sounded better in my head. maybe i should stop now.

compulsive.

hi, my name's brennigan.

and i'm a compulsive blogger.

...which in reality, isn't nearly as bad as a compulsive shopper (i don't spend hoards of money) or a compulsive eater (i don't gain 50 pounds ~ 10 would be nice though) or a compulsive drinker (just...ew).

in the past 24 hours, i have sent my resume out to 8 different companies. and in one hour, i'll be filling out my application for my new apartment. things are coming together...slowly.

yoga today was rough (anyone who doesn't think yoga is hard, YOU try it. yeah, try balancing on one leg while bending over and meditating in prayer position); i am ready for a nap.

i wish phara lived with me because i would nap & cuddle with her. i miss that baby kitty so much that i might maybe may have to take a trip out there tonight to see her.

i shall leave you with this:

landon (my nephew) while eating cauliflower & broccoli with dinner: "when i say, 'it tastes good' in my brain, it just...doesn't....it's like i'm lying to myself."

oh, i love that kid.

warmth.

this week, i've just decided, is going to be a fantastic week. i'm choosing joy, joy, joy, & PEACE.
as mom used to say:

marvelous monday.
terrific tuesday.
wonderful wednesday.
thrilling thursday.
fabulous friday.

and look how warm it's going to be!

when it's warm out, everything always seems so much nicer. i can eat on the porch, go on walks with my sweetie, jog with andrea, and open my window. :) there's nothing like letting the warmth of the sun soak through your skins right down to your bones. mmm.

NOW, back to work & research.

persevere.

i think this blog is a reminder to myself. i only have 4 more weeks until i graduate -- 4 weeks! and to be honest, writing this research paper, finding a job, finding a place to live, and moving is a little overwhelming at times. but i'm frequently reminding myself to sit. breathe. and remember just how much has happened in the past 4 years that i've overcome.

at class on thursday, my professor made us go around and say what we are good at. of course, initially, the exercise made us all sound very conceited; but its important as individuals to be honest too and feel okay with with telling others what we're good at. some people were better at cheering people up. one girl was a great cheer coach. someone else was a great parker (yes, she said that). i wasn't entirely sure of one thing i was good at...that i've always been good at. when it came down to it, i told my professor that i was good at persevering despite rough life circumstances. and i believe that's true. the past 4 years have been filled with a lot of happy times, but it was also filled with bad roommate situations, anxiety, poor professors, and heart-ache. i never completely gave up; i struggled through them perhaps, but i never moved to a different part of campus or withdrew from a class because i was doing poorly or let my anxiety stop me from working or doing well during my college career.

after class, my professor stopped me and told me, "you know. you are good at persevering. i really thought that we were going to lose you earlier this year." (cue me getting teary) "you came into my office trembling, and i wasn't sure if you were going to make it."

i did though. and here i am on the brink of another adventure: life AFTER college. but i in no way can take credit for the perseverance i've had; i can't even recount how many times i've prayed for help from my God or prayed with a friend or had an encouraging word from a professor. but i think that's life: we weren't meant to live on our own or do everything ourselves. God gives us family or friends or bosses that bring encouragement and healing in our lives. and i know that even though this whole graduating thing is scary -- and even though i'm not sure how i'm going to get everything done beforehand -- i know that there are people in my life who are praying for me and willing to offer a hand to hold on to or a shoulder to cry on.

dear adam,

i want to remember tonight. i love nights like tonight.

nothing extraordinary happened. we didn't go out or watch an amazing movie. we didn't experience anything new. we were just us.

the us that will pop in a jack's pizza at 9pm because we're hungry. the us that didn't forget the ranch dressing to dip the pizza in. the us that played video games and gave high-fives for good scores. the us that sat back on the couch & laughed while watching our kitty jump & play. the us that settled back into the couch: with you letting me lean against you while i looked at apartments...and you always giving me encouraging remarks. the us that make 2 hours go by like it'd had been 30 minutes. the us that would skip to my car. the us that would give 25 kisses and exchange 5 "i love you"s before i'd drive away.

i just wanted you to know that i still cherish nights like tonight. i love us.

and i love you.

love,

brennigan

jibber jabber.

during and after this eventful easter weekend, words have been heavy on my mind. adam & i were reading james last week, and in it, james talks...basically rocks my world with his style of writing...of the power of words.

with the tongue, we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. . .can both fresh water & salt water flow from the same spring? (v. 9, 11)

of course, the mouth can be used to give words of encouragement, chat with a friend, or sing praise. but the majority of people (i know i don't, at least) don't automatically speak positively...in fact, i have to remind myself, "choose joy. choose joy. choose -- JOY."

your mouth is a product of who are. for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. (matthew 12:45) let me tell you: last school year through the beginning of the summer (and even creeping back in every now & then this year to be honest), my heart was dark. and i hated who i had become.

i was swearing. i was negative. i was gossiping. its like i was searching for something to fill me and found an easy way out. because everyone gossips. and a lot of people swear & say terrible things. and its a lot easier to complain about situations than to find solutions for them. i had developed a perpetual negativity that riggled through every fiber of who i was. if it wasn't my roommate whom i would complain about, it would be my classes. if it wasn't classes, it would be work. if it wasn't work, it'd be the weather...or the fact i had no food...or the fact that i was bored. SUCH STUPID STUFF that i'm ashamed to say i even wasted my breath on.

and when its all written out, its easy for me to see that i was being lazy & complacent and was much too empty.

its taken adam (especially)and my parents (only 21 years) and their positive attitudes a long time to reach me; and its taken me reaching out to other believers and asking questions and reading about Him to finally turn it around. whatever comes out of my mouth reflects the state of my heart...and my heart is finally becoming brighter, cleaner, and more full. valleys & mountains. in life & in faith. i am so thankful to be on the mountain-top again, because this view is great (adam, if you crack the joke i know you're thinking, i am going to play dead-body).

the more i read about Jesus, the more questions i ask Him. i have no idea what i would've done if i lived during Bible times because His teachings are RADICAL (yes, i just said that word). who wants to love their enemies? and who wants to hear that we will be prosecuted for our faith? and who wants to give up old ways or friends or towns that bring us down (just read about all of this in a book about ruth; more on that later)? but who WOULDN'T want to hear about such amazing love? and an ever-constant forgiveness? and a heaven that is going to kick major booty (more on that from another book later)? i'm very blessed to work in a place where i have theologians always present to ask these questions to (i have a list!) because in order to get know people...and Christ...you have to ask questions.

for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. (matthew 12:45)

asking questions about Christ = Christ on the heart. and really, there isn't a thing more positive or beautiful than that.

~

in lighter news, ahem:

- i got jeans for $4 dollars and dress pants for $4 (mom, i'm calling tomorrow, don't worry!)

- i found the bright side in my latest "almost" roommate backing out on a lease.

- easter weekend = 3 different family celebrations = lots of candy.

- the flowers adam got me almost a week ago are still beautiful.

- 5 weeks 'til graduation!

- and most importantly, ESPECIALLY this past weekend, i have a Savior who is stronger than death who works in my life & continues to bless me!

kicking butt.

am yoga completely kicks my butt. but whenever i take the 40 minutes out of my day for a rejuvenation like that, i kick butt.

breakfast - check.

clean room - check.

yoga - check.

shower (including shaving legs!) - check.

call tons & tons of apartments - check.

schedule tour - check.

finish brainstorming and planning for article - check.

laundry - check.

and it's only 1PM! this is a fantastic day.