"The Great Sadness had draped itself around Mack's shoulders like some invisible but almost tangibly heavy quilt. The weight of its presence dulled his eyes and stooped his shoulders. Even his efforts to shake it off were exhausting, as if his arms were sewn into its bleak folds of despair and he had somehow become part of it. He ate, worked, loved, dreamed and played in this garment of heaviness, weighed down as if he were wearing a leaden bathrobe -- trudging daily through the murky despondence that sucked the color out of everything. At times he could feel The Great Sadness slowly tightening around his chest and heart like the crushing coils of a constrictor, squeezing liquid from his eyes until he thought there no longer remained a reservoir." ~ The Shack
I feel as though I have experienced many deaths in July: physical, emotional, mental. What a few weeks it has been.
My Grandpa passed away two weeks ago this Saturday. To be honest, it feel like it happened yesterday; but then I look at my Grandma and how exhausting it has been just living day-to-day, and I feel like it happened months ago. The outpouring of support we've received has been such a blessing, and I've really, really, been trying to focus on that. But it's hard when I see people with whom I used to be friends not even show a slight care towards the situation. And even the people who did see...I just don't feel that they understand the magnitude of the situation. One song I've heard declares: "And she can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends." And I can completely empathize with that line. Grandma's purpose for living the past 65 years is gone, but even relatives will go on with their day to day lives not even seeing first-hand that hurt that lives in my Grandma's heart. My mom now lives with her; my cousin, my dad, my boyfriend, and myself take shifts so she's not alone all the time. I know that there will be a time when she will live on her own. I have heard her say that she must learn to do that. But I've also heard her say that she can't go on. That she doesn't want to. And you can't put that pain into words. There's no way to tell someone over the phone how she feels & how her desperation breaks you as well. I feel isolated from the world in my pain. How can people understand something they do not live?
I am living on the emotional edge. One minute I am laughing, the next I am furious, and the next I am bawling my eyes out. I am exhausted from feeling so much, and I'm beginning to feel numb. It's like my mind is searching for rest in this state of apathy, and I'm fighting it with every emotion I have. I feel The Great Sadness slightly touching my shoulders waiting to drape my entire being.
When Grandpa died, I saw my unemployment as sort of a blessing. I could spend time with my Ma & Gram. I could compensate for the lack of support that has been present from certain family members. I've been job-searching for the past three months, and I told Adam today how I feel as though I'm without a purpose right now. Three months is a long time to search, be rejected, or even ignored. And its debilitating! Because as school picks back up for Adam, I will spend more time alone. And as it gets colder, I won't be able to pass the time outside running or with my flowers. It's like I'm catching a glimpse of Grandma's life without Grandpa ~ she feels without purpose; she wants to give up; she goes from one emotional high to an emotional low; she isexhausted. And she too is being tempted by The Great Sadness.
But even if we allow that to clothe us, rest will not come.
And so we're prayer warriors for the time being. And we're recruiting more to fight. I feel the exhaustion setting in on my family ~ my parents working night & day without rest, my grandma overcome with a sadness that doesn't allow sleep, and myself: I'm living in a constant fog.
I need prayer for relief.
