love.

i am doing terribly on bejeweled blitz right now, so i've turned to blogging. i play bejeweled when i need to turn my mind off. or when i'm bored. for right now, i'm going with the latter explanation.

let's be honest here: this past week as been, well, just bad. tuesday & wednesday of last week started it off. thursday was a brief calm before the major storm hit on friday through saturday afternoon. saturday night and sunday were much better. but everything started to get dicey again around monday, linger and cause damage on tuesday, and now have come full circle on wednesday. i blame it on me not communicating well enough on saturday when i was trying to mend what happened on friday. i held too much in and didn't fully address the issue...and BAM! explosion. pieces of two hearts splattered over work desks, student computers, friend's ears, and nighttime pillows. going back to last thursday's blog, i'm so optimistic. and i think in hindsight i was trying to be; but i was just trying to convince myself with my own blog. yeah, that didn't work. so here i am NOW. honest.

i think that love is a very universal emotion...and affecting. no matter what type of love you have (friendship, family, romantic), when it's not going well, you are not well. last semester when i was having friendship troubles, my whole life seemed off. and for a whole month, i just wasn't me. and when i had to sit down the past week and decide if this romantic love was worth fighting for...and i didn't have an answer...i was off. i was not well. and i holed up, and shared my heart with only a few people. i felt completely broken. and that's life. we break. we are mended. we have scars. i'm healing right now. and i cannot even tell you how his words of encouragement soothe my battle wounds. it's a salve to my aching sores. and even as the storm raged, it was beautiful. how human life is so dependent on love. and i look at Christ's mission on earth, and it's central focus was on love -- He knew from the start our dependence on love, on being wanted, and feeling secure and held safe. and everything just...clicks. how can you not serve a God who just wants to love you? who just wants to give you what you've been searching for in friends, lovers, pets, clothes, jewelry, etc. we all just want to know that we are wanted. and, we are.

i went to emma's memorial service tonight with andrea. i wasn't going to, but andrea seems to always inspire the best in me. i didn't know emma well, but andrea and i had been talking about God's will for our lives and how we are to love those around us; we decided to go to show our support. it was thought-provoking how all these people shared about emma and her beautiful ways of showing Christ to the world. they held it together remarkably well. the entire time, i just thought of "what if andrea ever died?" "what if adam died?" how on earth would i hold it together half as well as they are? during the last song, andrea and i were both a little teary, and then i just lost it. i held onto her for the entire song not wanting to let go of someone i don't want to live without. after the service, we just talked about us. we cried and laughed. and then my boss came up to me just crying and told me that she was sorry for how she treated me this entire past week. the whole ordeal was just out-of-nowhere for me. i didn't even expect to go to this, and i left feeling so alive and...i mean, this was the person who reamed me out a week ago, and things just all came completely full-circle today. everything. work, my relationship, God.

and i am grateful. to God be the glory.

i am contemplating skipping class on friday to spend time with those i love.

6 free skips? sure. but, i'd take the bad grade in a heartbeat if i get to one day look back with a smile on the times i've shared with these crazy people i call mine.

and by the way, if you ever need to know, the fray is an excellent band to blog to. just throwing that out there.

shoot.

i have problems.

let's just leave it at that.

ay, yi, yi.

whirlwind.

what a whirlwind week. really. yesterday felt like the longest day in ages, but now i can't believe it's almost friday.

to be brutally honest, tuesday and wednesday were hell. parts of it at least. revolving around my job. okay, my job just flat-out sucked. i have never felt more degraded, humiliated, and anxious at that job EVER -- and ironies of ironies, it's a Christian place! that is another reason why i am so hell-bent on not attending church. hypocrisy. and i know that's everywhere, and nowhere/one is perfect. but i really feel that churches especially are more political and more about pleasing the "right" people and living double lives than anything about showing the love of Christ and His grace. and why should they? loving people like Christ loved people is COMPLETELY unheard of nowadays. if i was to give a poor man some money, one of my friends would surely say, "he's just gonna spend it on booze." but aren't we commanded to give all we have to the poor. some would argue that it was a different time, different laws. the "different" laws were the ones Christ came to banish. the ones He stated were the new ones. i'm really just kind of confused right now. because i'd argue the booze story with anybody. but i'm trying to be like Christ. and i'm learning what that's like. and tackling who Christ is amidst all of this bologna going on is a lot to take. phew.

ANYWAYS, back to work. i felt completely defeated...resorting to crawling into bed and stuffing crinkles in my mouth like they were oxygen.

i must say though that talking about it helped. and talking about all this other stuff swimming around in my brain 24/7 helped too. thank you, boyfriend, if you're reading this. i didn't want answers or sympathy, i just needed someone to hold the bowl for all my word-vomit that proceeded to spill out of my mouth. and believe me, 45 minutes of uninterrupted word-vomit was a lot for him and a lot for me leaving me emotionally drained.

today was better in two ways: i got a semi-apology for part of the problem at work. and i got to share my heart with my best friend. they are times when you just need to crawl into bed and "spill your guts" (just like junior high) without any worry of judgment or criticism. and eat food. i don't think Jesus did the wine miracle just for kicks. He knows people like to eat, drink, and be merry. and it's true. i really do like to eat, drink, and be happy -- and they all go along together.

so, to wrap-up this completely disjointed blog posting, i shall share some weekend plans. AS WE SPEAK, my i-pod is charging with Steinhart songs and lots of Search the City for my road trip tomorrow for the show! no matter how many hours i spend on the road or waiting for the band, seeing the smile on my sweetheart's face is worth it, you know. he doesn't do a lot that really makes him happy, and i know that being on stage and performing with all of his friends really makes his heart smile. and it makes mine smile. and i know without any doubt that God loves to see him play. and i bet Jesus would be clapping along to the music as well.

perhaps saturday, i'll go into my blurb about grad school: how i missed the application date. how taking the gre scares the shiiiiz out of me. how insurance if i don't/do go is driving me nuts. and how i really feel incredibly blessed just to benefit from learning...and how my parents are so eager to help me learn.

also. i've spent three afternoons with my nephews, and the stinkin' kids still melt my heart when they call for me. just wait till i get a wii and super mario brothers and show those boys how it's done! ;)

freeze.

it.is.freezing.

i thought holing up in my room would make me warmer. incorrect, ladies & gentlemen. i am so-ready-for-summer-i-can-barely-breathe.

HOWEVER,

with summer comes all these other decisions:

where to live, to go to grad school or not, where to work, when to get engaged, etc.

and i don't want to deal with that.

i keep checking res life's "find a roommate" thing to see who is staying in town that i can live with. but, it's not updated, and i'm getting frustrated with it.

today's my long evening of the week.

work: 3:30-5.

work meeting: 5-6.

class: 6-7:30.

homework: 7:30-10.

bed @ 10 because i have to work at 8:30 tomorrow!

yuck.

i still haven't heard back from the magazine internship. i really, really, really want that one. if THAT turned into a job -- squeeee! it would be perfect.

here's to hoping.

weekend wrap-up.

i'm waiting for my netflix to load as we speak.

this past weekend did not fail in living up to my expectations. well, firday and saturday at least.

i spent friday evening with andrea and ricky...drinking cranberry wine, laughing, and playing wii. around 9pm, adam came over and we finished playing wii -- then got ready to mandi's party. we left around 10:30ish and had a great time with adam's friends. well, my friends. they are my friends now too. and i like that even though they were originally his friends, i can now call them my friends too. because it's hard finding friends sometimes. and i'm very thankful that the guys (and the girls) all have taken me in as they have with lots of hugs and tentative date nights. it's nice to be liked.

saturday was a fantastic day, really. adam and i went shopping at the mall -- more window shopping actually. we left with two small truffles from godiva chocolates. :) after a quick trip to meijer for dinner, wine, chocolates, and oranges, we headed back to his apartment. we watched batman returns (the oldie with the penguin!) until our two friends from the band came over. we finished the movie after they left...but man, i do love my boyfriend. eating truffles and picking apart oranges in my pjs while watching old movies cuddles up by his side. i got parties & relaxation for my weekend. and i loved both!

as for sunday, well, i don't really want to talk about. two students from my school were killed in a plane crash. i worked with one of them. and she was the epitome of sunshine.

how do i end a post with that? it just leaves me feeling numb. i can't imagine how their families are feeling.

i just...hmm.

day 2 of classes.

peter schakel would be very happy that i've read 81 pages of sense & sensibility since sitting down on my bed at 6:45pm. oy. (liz, if you read this, i want you to know that i lifted small hand weights while reading to do some resistance training.)

17 pages to go of THAT and then some more informative reading on jane austen.

welcome back, students.

i'm so excited for my photoshoot with andrea this weekend that i can barely hold in my squeals whenever i look at the backdrop sheet.

aaaaand i'm hoping adam's best buy buddies will not disappoint and go out on friday night! :) drinks with my baby's buds is always best.

let's keep our fingers crossed for some funds just "showing up" so i can buy a wii.

oh, and hey, work did not disappoint today. it suuuucked. if you want something done TODAY, don't tell me it's okay if it gets done just during the week. that way, if i don't do it today, you won't be pissed and get in a hissy fit. YOU SAID I COULD DO IT ALL WEEK. don't get your knickers in a knot. puuh-lease.

oh dear me.

my fish died. :[

and, well, i'm a little anxious about what's to come.

those two statements are not connected.

big money!

oh dear me.

so, i had a doctor's appointment yesterday because of my prescriptions and weight loss. (sidenote: i don't like to be this skinny. why do people think they can point out how skinny someone is and not think it's rude?! people don't comment to people's faces about how fat they are? it's JUST as rude to go on & on about someone being skinny as it is about someone being fat!) anyways, i had to get blood drawn. . .ahhh! a vile & a half. now, i'm kinda squeemish about that kinda stuff. i ended up almost fainting (i hadn't eaten lunch yet, so i believe that attributed to it as well) and was out of it for a couple of hours. it was so scary/terrible. they are testing to see if i have hyperthyroidism and anemia. if i don't hear from back from them by tonight, everything is normal. i'm keeping my fingers crossed!!

last night, andrea, aaron, adam, and i (why am i the only one without a name starting with "a"?!) were planning to go to the casino. after my doctor's appointment, it wasn't looking like that was a great idea. but after some movie action (ocean's 13 in preparation for casino time) with my boo-boo (he took amazing care of me all day), i just knew we had to go! andrea and aaron met us down there around 9pm. i took $25 to spend and spent it all. . .but won $62! that's a decent profit! :) we all had a great time; left around midnight or so and stopped to have dinner at a cute (can this be the right word?) trucker diner on the way home. i didn't get enough $$ to buy the wii, but it was still a fun thing to "end" christmas break.

speaking of which, i can't believe it's almost over. i bought some books online today, and it made my stomach do flips. i don't have a super hard semester, but a lot of changes are coming my way. trusting in His power. trusting in His faithfulness. trusting in His love. my oh my.

today's agenda: laundry, a bit of packing, movie tonight (maybe i'll treat myself to one at the theater with my winnings!), and enjoying this last little bit of break. :)

xo.

a small review.

christmas break 2009 was kind of a let-down. but just like it's a new year with new possibilities, i feel that this break is on the upswing.

i've spent most of this break entertaining company. seriously; my family has had three days in two weeks without anyone spending the night. and it's just been exhausting.

i think i had very high hopes for this break: fun, exciting dates; a massage; and i think i really wanted to figure out what will be happening after may 9th -- g-day: graduation day. reality hit hard.

money is hard to come by. and my phone broke & my computer died for a few days. and my love & i hit a point in our relationship where we had to decide if it was worth it to keep going or if we should give up. and i still haven't decided what's going after may 9th.

but that's okay.

i am content with what i have. i have a loaner phone, and a new charger. i don't need new either of those. massages are nice, but i'd rather be with the love of my life and have him rub my shoulders for an evening than have the best masseuse in the world do it.

i found a man whom i love more than anything and who knows me better than anyone, and i'm not giving him up. we're not giving up. and maybe the past few months weren't the smoothest, but it's smoother now. . .and ice skating is just as memorable as concerts.

as far as may 9th goes, well. i'm not alone in my lack of knowledge. God has a plan for me, and He'll take care of me. i'm not afraid.

2010 will be a great year. i've been waiting for this year for a while.

what is to come?

diplomas. job offers. new apartments. diamonds, perhaps? :)