to be brutally honest, tuesday and wednesday were hell. parts of it at least. revolving around my job. okay, my job just flat-out sucked. i have never felt more degraded, humiliated, and anxious at that job EVER -- and ironies of ironies, it's a Christian place! that is another reason why i am so hell-bent on not attending church. hypocrisy. and i know that's everywhere, and nowhere/one is perfect. but i really feel that churches especially are more political and more about pleasing the "right" people and living double lives than anything about showing the love of Christ and His grace. and why should they? loving people like Christ loved people is COMPLETELY unheard of nowadays. if i was to give a poor man some money, one of my friends would surely say, "he's just gonna spend it on booze." but aren't we commanded to give all we have to the poor. some would argue that it was a different time, different laws. the "different" laws were the ones Christ came to banish. the ones He stated were the new ones. i'm really just kind of confused right now. because i'd argue the booze story with anybody. but i'm trying to be like Christ. and i'm learning what that's like. and tackling who Christ is amidst all of this bologna going on is a lot to take. phew.
ANYWAYS, back to work. i felt completely defeated...resorting to crawling into bed and stuffing crinkles in my mouth like they were oxygen.
i must say though that talking about it helped. and talking about all this other stuff swimming around in my brain 24/7 helped too. thank you, boyfriend, if you're reading this. i didn't want answers or sympathy, i just needed someone to hold the bowl for all my word-vomit that proceeded to spill out of my mouth. and believe me, 45 minutes of uninterrupted word-vomit was a lot for him and a lot for me leaving me emotionally drained.
today was better in two ways: i got a semi-apology for part of the problem at work. and i got to share my heart with my best friend. they are times when you just need to crawl into bed and "spill your guts" (just like junior high) without any worry of judgment or criticism. and eat food. i don't think Jesus did the wine miracle just for kicks. He knows people like to eat, drink, and be merry. and it's true. i really do like to eat, drink, and be happy -- and they all go along together.
so, to wrap-up this completely disjointed blog posting, i shall share some weekend plans. AS WE SPEAK, my i-pod is charging with Steinhart songs and lots of Search the City for my road trip tomorrow for the show! no matter how many hours i spend on the road or waiting for the band, seeing the smile on my sweetheart's face is worth it, you know. he doesn't do a lot that really makes him happy, and i know that being on stage and performing with all of his friends really makes his heart smile. and it makes mine smile. and i know without any doubt that God loves to see him play. and i bet Jesus would be clapping along to the music as well.
perhaps saturday, i'll go into my blurb about grad school: how i missed the application date. how taking the gre scares the shiiiiz out of me. how insurance if i don't/do go is driving me nuts. and how i really feel incredibly blessed just to benefit from learning...and how my parents are so eager to help me learn.
also. i've spent three afternoons with my nephews, and the stinkin' kids still melt my heart when they call for me. just wait till i get a wii and super mario brothers and show those boys how it's done! ;)
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