wearing thin.

april 20, 2010, 4:45PM.

i can feel it.
stretching myself way too thin over too many activities, meetings, projects.


i am wearing thin, and this headache is a constant reminder.


i graduate in 20 days, and i have yet to officially sign the lease for my apartment, locate furniture for said apartment, find a job to pay the rent of the apartment, oh, and finish my senior portfolio & write a nice little (ha!) research paper. oh, did i mention i have to go to the dentist again now to get more sealant for my teeth?



a lot of change is right there on the horizon, and i'd be foolish if i didn't admit that so many other changes has already taken place over the course of the year. but as i listened to a chaplain i work with speak with a student who was facing a lot of stress from those who didn't understand the busyness of it all - jobs, impending marriages, commitments, friendships, and her list went on & on - i realized: this is life.

this is life.

the ups & downs, the dentist appointments, the scraping by sometimes when you have to pay rent,

april 23, 2010, 10:10PM

well, hot dang, i am amazing at predicting.

and i quote: "i can feel it. stretching myself way too thin over too many activities, meetings, projects."

that night, i completely lost it. (and poor adam. he gets the brunt of whatever spills out of my heart; anything i've kept in, anything that's hurt me, he listens and loves, and he is superman for it).

it started out as a conversation.

turned argument.

turned flat-out anger. that i literally felt was about to explode.

turned to sobs. that i knew were coming on as soon as i hit the pillow.

turned complete and utter silence.

defeat.

all that i kept in these past few weeks - masked by trying to stay positive, energetic, on-top of it all - leaked into any and every crevice of my heart until the walls exploded.

i felt like a complete failure.

everything i had said that would get better, didn't. in fact, a lot of aspects of life got worse for reasons i don't even know.

but i know this: that God is faithful even through storms; that faith -- true "walking-on-water" faith, "believing-in-something-bigger-than-yourself" faith -- in Him will give you sanity to get through life...no matter how unfair, crazy, or absolutely beautiful, life is.

as soon as i realized all of the above:

i got approved for my apartment.

i got a letter from my potential employer saying that they were forwarding my application to the hiring committee.

and i've experienced more & more selfless love from those who mean the most to me.