i felt like a failure. i cannot find a job that fits me well. i listen to relatives constantly ask about my employment search, and i feel like its a backwards way to say, "you aren't trying hard enough. you're failing." i come from a family where hard-work is the only way to go; and if people scoot by on given money, that's looked down upon. so, i don't ask for help. and i'm making it for right now...but still, every time this topic is brought up, i feel badly. maybe that's why i keep so busy with projects and baking and reading ~ i'd hate to be caught relaxing for even a second because then people will think i'm lazy. and laziness, i've been taught, is just not acceptable.
and then, to top everything off, i went to read my Bible last night before bed to gain some perspective on things...and i couldn't find anything to help. i know, i know. we aren't supposed to worship to get something, but i was really searching for something to help soothe whatever it was the day made me feel like. and here i was. after 15 years of Biblical education, i couldn't find anything. and that made me feel like i failure. like the one thing i should have a handle on after all these years, i just...didn't.
and perhaps now, i can see, that even though i may be Biblically educated and in possession of a college degree, i am still just human. just a sinner. just a loser with a God who's in the business of grace. and grace is the most comforting gift imaginable. i wish more people would extend grace.
i am feeling better today. a little more hopeful. and a little less pathetic.
and guess what? the sun is still shining today. and i get to watch the golden sun rays slowly fade across the pond in my back yard. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment