everything's [not so] gravy!

life is not neat. it isn't tidy. my personal relationships struggle sometimes, and i have to admit that i'm not on the same wavelength with my boyfriend as i'd always like to be. and for the longest time, i felt that i couldn't say that about my relationship with God because i was a Christian. a beacon of hope, love, purity, and faith to all non-believers and believers. i know some people that talk of God's love and hope and goodness all the time. its like their spiritual high never, ever fails them. and they are a great beacon of hope -- of what we can attain someday. but they are sometimes a great reminder of what we aren't. and we get frustrated. and feel like failures. because we aren't. we aren't always having the best day. and we aren't performing miracles at work or at school. and we aren't perfect.

and i always felt that if i ever blogged about Jesus, i had to be 100% peppy. and honest. at the same time. but i can't do that. because i'm not always 100% peppy about God. and sometimes, i don't feel Him. and sometimes, i know God is telling me not to do something, but i look the other way.

in church two sundays ago, we studied paul's letter to the church about timothy and epaphroditus in philippians 2:19-30. and paul says, "i hope in the Lord to send timothy to you soon. . .i hope, therefore, to send him as soon as. . .indeed he was ill, and almost died. but God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, to spare me sorrow upon sorrow. . .and i may have less anxiety."

paul, PAUL, hoped. as in, he wasn't sure, but he hoped. in that set of verses, he does say he "is confident in the Lord." so why doesn't he say that in those beginning verses? because he means something different. he doubted. he wasn't sure what the Lord's will was. not only that, but he felt sorrow. and anxiety! how many people today feel anxiety? don't even answer that. a lot. a lot of people do. and paul admits it. he doesn't just say, "i'm not anxious! God is a healer!" yes, of course God is the healer, but you're human. you're going to feel these emotions. he just admits that he has anxiety and leaves it at that.

he was being honest. he was human. and to see paul (PAUL!) admit these things -- a man who was beaten, bruised, and imprisoned for speaking in the name of Christ -- he was admitting that it's okay to be honest. because the best way to reach people is by being honest. it isn't by saying that everything is perfect in your spiritual life (or just your life). people see through the bull-crap (can i say crap on here?). the people who need Jesus the most? they want your honesty. they want to know that you struggle too. and that you are human. that will give them something to relate to. people don't want to be preached at. they want to be understood. they want to feel loved. and wasn't that Christ's mission all along? to love?