breathe.

it's one of those things i don't want to blog about, but i have to so i don't forget that i.almost.died. to begin, i'd have to tell you that i rolled in a truck on the icy highway three years ago this coming january. flipped three times. screamed, but never heard myself because i was too busy being thrown upside down three times. i don't remember breathing or screaming or even grabbing something to hold on to. i almost died. and i knew it. all i could remember thinking was "i don't want to die yet. i don't want to die yet." that's the only thought i remember. God's protective hands held us tight enough where my friend & i walked away with nothing but scrapes and bruises.

on my way home this past thursday night, i just wanted to be home. 4 days before i had been in the car for 5 hours, so i wasn't thrilled about being in the car for another 1 hour trip. i just wanted to be home. about 15 miles from home, i felt it. that same gut-wrenching, sudden, "i don't want to die yet. i don't want to die yet." i felt it as the deer ran in front of my car. my car moving at 80 mph. i reached for my heart with one hand, and gripped the steering wheel with the other. i screamed, audibly this time, "oh my gosh!" as my foot slammed the brake. and he kept running. he came from the median, so i assume, he just ran across all four lanes. i'm so thankful that he-kept-running. i kept driving obviously, but did i adjust my speed? did i take my hand off of my heart? my fingers were numb. my leg felt like i had been hit with a brick. and my eyes. my eyes stung with fresh tears that reflected the fear i had known three years ago. the terror. the "i don't wanna die."

i came home dry-eyed, but my dad knew something was wrong. i came home to a father who wrapped me in his arms & told me i did the right thing. the right thing? i had no time to decide what "the right thing" was. in those split-second decisions, what makes us make the right ones?

so, that's my story. the story i didn't want to tell because maybe to some, it didn't seem like a big deal. but, i remember sensing death when i crashed 3 years ago, and i wasn't ready to sense that again. instead, i sat down on my couch in the home that has been mine for 21 years, and i breathed. i breathed in life.