a summer night.

i was never one to find my personal value in a paycheck. in a promotion.

i think i was destined to be a mama. you know, besides the whole changing diapers/raising children sort of thing.

i love to cook & bake just about anything. i don't mind cleaning the toilets in the bathroom. i take spontaneous trips to the library and fill recyclable bags full of novels that make my imagination swirl with characters as dear to me as my real friends. i buy scrap paper from hobby lobby & design cards to send "just because." i garden...a lot. as in, my boyfriend has to build me a very large trough to fit all my flowers.

and, as of late, i go to garage sales and buy chairs with potential. yes, on the way to the library today, i bought an oak chair. that i will reupholster. by myself. actually, my best friend & i will do it because, well, we are a team.

my grandparents' 65th anniversary is on sunday. today, i baked 6 dozen cookies that make the hours pass by in an instant. there's something therapeutic about baking for me. its cut & dry directions. 2 3/4 cup of flour. add 2 tsp. of cream of tartar. bake at 400 degrees. step-by-step without any room for error. life can get so out-of-whack with errands and complications that pop up out of nowhere. so its this balance of creating something with such certainty amidst a crazy life that gives me joy. you know what else gives me joy? the way the sugar just seems to sparkle on top of these 72 snicker-doodles...

i'm so happy to be sitting right here with my cup of tea & one my new books: the memory keeper's daughter. life is fabulous...even if the laundry doesn't get done. even if adam & i get in a fight in front of the movie theatre and it was all my fault. even if the cucumbers in my fridge are getting squishy because they just look so much more delicious to me in the store.

this is life: parts that taste like cinnamon sugar & parts that maybe i want to spit out. but i still keep baking. because the good bites are the ones i always remember.

summertime.

blessed beyond what i could have ever hoped for or imagined...

i graduated! i graduated!

i couldn't be happier.

i've been in my new apartment for a week now, and i have to say, i'm completely in love with it. everything came together so perfectly ~ i'm still amazed how much God provided by people either donating furniture or selling them at a discounted price...and my parents...i feel most blessed by their love and provision. after graduation day, i sat on the couch with adam, and i just started bawling! he asked what was the matter, and i just replied, "i'm so blessed!"

i interviewed at a merger company downtown last week, and although the interview was completely overwhelming, i felt very confident leaving. i've been asking God very specifically for a job that i would enjoy, and i know He will provide me with what i NEED as an individual.

this past weekend marked the beginning of wedding season. adam & i are heading to traverse city this next weekend for a road trip wedding, and i'm so excited to see my friend get married ~ i have no idea how these girls have been planning weddings and finishing school at the same time...i would've lost my mind already! moving was a big enough transition for me; i give these girls two-thumbs up for getting hitched on top of it!

andrea and i have recently began upholstering; yes. we use powertools. and her new kitchen chairs are SO CUTE. i am such a small business person. i want one for photography, web design, garden and home design. let's hope i make some money.

i haven't blogged in about two weeks, so i feel this blog was very general and just touched the tip of what's been going on in my life lately: but what i can say is that i'm very eager for this summer to come in full swing ~ it'll be full of lots of surprises and great things that God has had planned!

growth.

I expect a lot of growth in these next four years. I know that the things I have planned now will probably fall through, and I realize that God has an ultimate plan that will give me the best life possible if I only choose to follow Him. I am ecstatic to continue on my journey through Hope College; a journey that will not only transform me academically, but also personally, spiritually, and in my relationships with others. May I stay rooted in God and allow Him to change me and mold me to be the person that He wants me to be.

i wrote the above paragraph in November of 2006 as a conclusion to my first year seminar paper. and i must say, i want to use it as the conclusion to my senior seminar paper as well. the past four years have been something, all right.

i can see my entire college career in an instant ~ from freshman year to right this second. i am not disappointed. i thought i might be considering what a ride it has been. i mentioned many aspects, but i feel that personal and relational goals are central to spiritual goals. i remember the fire i had for God during freshman year that slowly dwindled during sophomore year that was just about extinguished junior year and finally hit an upswing during senior year. and as i look back on my spiritual journey, i can see various personal choices related to where i was at spiritually, and i can see different the people with whom I spent my time continually change because of my spiritually journey.

right now, at this moment, i am happy with who i am. i finally realized the importance of optimism in life. i understand that while Christ wants us to love and be in the world, He also gives us boundaries (not: swearing, getting drunk, gossiping, thinking on negative things, sex before marriage) that allow us to grow in Him, enriching our lives and to better His kingdom. iam fully and wholly comfortable in His provision: the fact that i don't have a job right now scares the dickens out of me, but i am completely positive that God will provide a job that will fit who i am or He will bring in some sort of income to pay for the things i need. and HE LOVES ME! i am so blessed to have the Creator LOVE me and continually extend his grace & mercy... and get me entirely through college: i can't even count the prayers, the journals, the verses, the tears ~ and here i am, graduating! :D :D

i am not afraid of standing for what i believe. and i'm so excited to begin a new season of my life just as i am. grounded in my Jesus and ready to grow...even more.

you can have all this world,

but give me Jesus.

last class.

i just walked out of my last class ever.

and as i've been reflecting over the past four years for my senior portfolio, it all just hit me: i couldn't have done it without Him. HE held me. HE gave me His strength. HE healed me and pushed me and helped me to succeed.

to God be all the glory.

ALL the glory.

weekend.

weekend:

food, shopping, jogging with andrea.

baking brownies with my nephews.

family dinner with dan, matty, & adam.

3 for $20 movie deals at blockbuster

playing with phara-beara as much as i can.

glorious weekend.

and to top it off:

i completed 5 pages-ish of my 12 page paper due in 2 weeks. i am determined to work hard now & not have ANYTHING due or anything to take during exam week.

even though it'll be a crazy week filled with my last anchor issue, a huge senior portfolio to make, a research paper to finish, and a presentation to give, i am so thankful it is going to be a beautiful monday.

t-minus 13 days 'til graduation!

oh, how He loves us.

wearing thin.

april 20, 2010, 4:45PM.

i can feel it.
stretching myself way too thin over too many activities, meetings, projects.


i am wearing thin, and this headache is a constant reminder.


i graduate in 20 days, and i have yet to officially sign the lease for my apartment, locate furniture for said apartment, find a job to pay the rent of the apartment, oh, and finish my senior portfolio & write a nice little (ha!) research paper. oh, did i mention i have to go to the dentist again now to get more sealant for my teeth?



a lot of change is right there on the horizon, and i'd be foolish if i didn't admit that so many other changes has already taken place over the course of the year. but as i listened to a chaplain i work with speak with a student who was facing a lot of stress from those who didn't understand the busyness of it all - jobs, impending marriages, commitments, friendships, and her list went on & on - i realized: this is life.

this is life.

the ups & downs, the dentist appointments, the scraping by sometimes when you have to pay rent,

april 23, 2010, 10:10PM

well, hot dang, i am amazing at predicting.

and i quote: "i can feel it. stretching myself way too thin over too many activities, meetings, projects."

that night, i completely lost it. (and poor adam. he gets the brunt of whatever spills out of my heart; anything i've kept in, anything that's hurt me, he listens and loves, and he is superman for it).

it started out as a conversation.

turned argument.

turned flat-out anger. that i literally felt was about to explode.

turned to sobs. that i knew were coming on as soon as i hit the pillow.

turned complete and utter silence.

defeat.

all that i kept in these past few weeks - masked by trying to stay positive, energetic, on-top of it all - leaked into any and every crevice of my heart until the walls exploded.

i felt like a complete failure.

everything i had said that would get better, didn't. in fact, a lot of aspects of life got worse for reasons i don't even know.

but i know this: that God is faithful even through storms; that faith -- true "walking-on-water" faith, "believing-in-something-bigger-than-yourself" faith -- in Him will give you sanity to get through life...no matter how unfair, crazy, or absolutely beautiful, life is.

as soon as i realized all of the above:

i got approved for my apartment.

i got a letter from my potential employer saying that they were forwarding my application to the hiring committee.

and i've experienced more & more selfless love from those who mean the most to me.

maybe.

if i could live the past 5 days over & over again, i totally would. of course that wouldn't be possible...not even close, but it's what i've been thinking about all day.

~maybe it's because i've been so great with my work-out routine lately.
~maybe it's because adam, my mom, & i took my nephews to crazy bounce, and it was a blast.
~maybe it's because i might be getting a job for this whole next year.
~maybe it's because i might have found a place to live.
~maybe it's because i have a boyfriend who will wash my dishes and forgive me 70 x 7 times.
~maybe it's because my best friend & i got to catch up for the first time in 2 weeks.
~maybe it's because it has been gorgeous out all week.
~maybe it's because i got new fish, & i luuuurrve them.
~maybe it's because i had a coffee date with my good friend, ashley, and we talked her wedding details.
~maybe it's because i'm wearing my $15 dolla (holla!) sundress.
~maybe it's because my God is one of consistent love & unending grace; and no matter what kind of week i am having, He is ever-present.



gaaaah, an hour & 15 minutes left of work; i'm DYING to go out into this sunshine again. but for now, i shall continue to be obsessed with youtube videos of mitchell davis.

dad, if you're reading this, you won't the music played at the end. just thought i'd warn ya. ;)



so, this mitchell davis kid is pretty hilarious in that random sort of way; and maybe i find this video so hilarious because the first type of my music is normally my sort of dance-club song, but did i ever mention that i'm dating a drummer? therefore, he listens to the type of music at the end of this video. see? this video is a great combination of us both...in a very comical way. i guess. this whole entire description just sounded better in my head. maybe i should stop now.