Remember me?

You might not recognize me anymore.  Two years of life change can do that to a girl.  Besides the obvious changes like a temporary purple hair-streak or a new tattoo or the fact that I now wear two rings on my ring finger, the majority of changes have happened in my home, in my heart.

To catch up on a little of 2011 and all of 2012, you can check out my photography blog under category > personal.  You'll find blog after blog of Instagram pictures with little stories and hopefully things that might make you laugh or breathe easy.  I stopped repetitive posting at the beginning of 2013 hoping to bring to readers true humanity -- someone living, breathing, working, relating, and aiming for the highest.  My initial blog post brought me great hopes; but as the weeks wore on, I simply gave up.  I lacked the desire to bring the emotions, the heart.  The soul.

I want to write openly -- to bear my heart and have the reception so incredibly heartfelt that I burst into tears.  But I couldn't because the beauty I want to convey is covered by a great deal of bitterness and anger at those who left my side and judged me unfairly.  And the rest was covered by insecurity.  Seven years have passed since I left my little hometown, but why can't I shake the feelings of judgement?

Love Day.

We here in Holland celebrate love every day. With sweet e-mails, eskimo kisses, and lots of "I'll do the dishes, Sweetie." So when Valentine's Day came around this past Monday, we didn't plan for much. You'd imagine my surprise then when Adam walks into my store with a dozen roses and a huge heart balloon.

I'm a big fan of love. Ooey, gooey, "cavity-from-too-much-sugar" kind-of sweet love. I'm all for cuddling under big blankets and making a mess from baking brownies together. Kisses on foreheads and holding hands while watching a movie.

And so when there's a day just to celebrate love, we do.

Because I can...can't.

12:19am. 19 minutes short of a blog per (technical) day. But hey, it's still considered February 9th to me because I'm still up. Still listening to music, still editing my website, still reading blogs, and yes, still watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.

Before I kicked myself in the morning, I had to purposefully blog tonight. Just so I did the whole "new blog post per day." Because I can...can't, really. I can't not blog or else I break my resolution. And I can't break a one month resolution. Especially since this month has the shortest number of days (if it is only by three...right?).

I have a feeling that tomorrow will be revitalizing. And I can say that with almost full confidence because:

1) I'm getting my newly-made, fitted engagement ring. Been waiting 3 months for that baby!

2) I'm getting my wedding dress...squeee! And I get to try on my newly fitting gown for my mama, sister, and baby nephews. :)

3) Date night with my hunny. Need I say more?

4) GROCERY SHOPPING. A newly stocked fridge almost beats out date night. I mean, seriously. What would date night even be without the stocked fridge?

Okay, blog for the day-- check. Now, bed.

Just a Small Town Girl.

I'd say that I'm a sucker for cheap thrills, but with the word "cheap" comes all sorts of ugly connotations: poorly made, not lasting, not worth much. While these thrills I speak of were short-lived, they were far from being worth little.

I've worked 6 days in a row, and today on my day off, I chose the thrills of family. I hit the snooze only once before fumbling out of bed at 8:38am and drove to the place where I chose happiness with those I love. The feelings of warm tea and muffins in my belly while watching the snow fall outside. The smell of babies and kiddies that are mine. The laugh of a sister. Spilled water glasses and play-doh flying everywhere. Servers mistaking Everett as my own (not that I minded...or corrected them). Lots...and lots of napkins.

It was just the way I wanted to start my morning.

And then, to finish off my night with some of my favorite boys. Board games. Charlotte's Web. Spilled chocolate milk and mandarin oranges. Baby bird faces. Sneaking chocolate treats with Uncle Adam...

Yet amidst it all, four hours of editing was finished for my photography business. And to really top it all off? THE LAUNDRY GOT DONE.

I couldn't have asked for a better day off.

lucky girl.

i needed a day like today. a day where everything went right.

today at work, i sold over $700 in shirts, pants, and ties. i've been working as a sales executive for almost three weeks (two at the registers), and i've been eager to ease my way into the system. to check people out without asking for help. to assist people without sounding like i don't know what i'm doing. today, i felt like a salewoman. i sold merchandise, made a profit, and almost beat everyone in the day's sales.

and then, after a rough week where we're not spending enough quality time together, adam surprises me with a beautifully delicious dinner, my favorite: barbecue chicken, green beans, and french bread -- can't forget the wine...or the flowers & candles for that matter. :) needless to say, it was just what i needed to feel all bright + shiny again. plus it felt kind of celebratory in honor of finally getting the hang of things at work.

let's keep this short & sweet. i promised to blog every day, and i have thus-far. but a bottle of wine is waiting for me, and so is my sweetie! happy saturday, friends! :)

selfless vs. selfish

there is no way i'm up for blogging tonight, but i made a resolution. kind of like a vow. which, coincidentally, is related to why i'm not up for blogging right now.

everyone that i've talked to about wedding planning says that the guest list is the hardest part. feelings get hurt, and the bill grows larger, and all the while, i feel helpless and completely out-of-control. the whole selfish bride complex gets tossed out the window, and selflessness takes its place. all 250 of them. yes, the guests.

and working two jobs, staying connected with family, and maintaining a relationship with my fiance seem to make this whole "wedding planning" business fall to the end of the "to-do" list. i'd much rather be making money or holding my newborn nephew than making big decisions as to whether cut Aunt Susie (twice removed, yet still fictional) from the guest list.

and so my tummy's in knots, my heart's continually got butterflies, and the perfect dream wedding is no closer to getting done. in fact, it gets pushed farther and farther into the back of the cupboard (i have no idea what's up with these food metaphors-- the butterflies don't let me eat!). and feelings like these (anxiety and apathy) just beg the question: is being selfish with your wedding ever a good thing?

February: a month for resolutions.

I made a resolution for February. And you can check it out here. :)